Photo courtesy of the San Francisco 49ers

Photo courtesy of the San Francisco 49ers

Job Classifieds: 49ers looking for capable running backs...apply now!

Sep 24, 2021 at 10:26 AM--

It has been only two games, but the San Francisco 49ers are in dire need of running backs. What was one of the deeper position groups just a few weeks ago has now become perhaps the thinnest.

Even though the team doesn't employ me, doesn't need my help, and isn't returning my calls, I decided to search far and wide to help it find some capable running backs to help carry the load until some of the others return. I'm off to a great start, and have even written the perfect job description for them. If anyone knows how to get in touch with the 49ers Human Resources Department, please reach out to them and let them know I've done all the legwork for them...and that I'm sorry for the incident surrounding the Jim Tomsula hiring.

I'm not wanting anything in return for my work, although if they want to pay me, let them know they can make the check out to Marc (with a 'c') Adams. Or they can pay me in other ways, like free game tickets, team apparel or hot dogs.

Here is the job description in case you, or someone you know, would like to apply.

Job Opening: Running Back

Company: San Francisco 49ers | Santa Clara, California

Job Snapshot
Full-time | Competitive pay

Job Summary
Come join our team of competitive professionals, working together, as we strive to win our industry's highest honor for the sixth time. We are a company with a storied history and a tradition of greatness. Some of our former employees are considered the greatest ever at their respective positions. Please look over the job functions below. If you feel you have what it takes to be one of our next legendary team members, email your resumé and cover letter, with 'attention: Kyle' in the subject line.

Job Functions
  • Must be able to run fast, as team members from opposing companies will be chasing you.
  • Must be able to hold an oblong-shaped ball, without letting it leave your hands, even when the above-mentioned opposing members are trying to take it from you.
  • Must be in good physical condition, as you will be running fast...with people chasing you...a lot.
  • Must be able to keep running fast, even after opposing members have punched you in the mouth a dozen or more times.
  • Must be able to work more than one week without missing time due to sickness or injury.
  • Must be able to perform under pressure, especially when opposing members are taunting you, chasing you, hitting you, and biting you, while 70,000 of our customers are screaming at you in a collective roar.
  • Must be able to learn on the fly, while memorizing hundreds of different phrases and diagrams.
  • Must be able to carry out those phrases and diagrams in real time, with angry people chasing you.
  • Must be able to keep running fast, even when you can barely walk.
  • Must be able to show restraint when media members, reporters and annoying writers from fan websites write ignorant things about you.

Physical Actions
This job would be considered a physical job. In fact, you will have to pass a physical examination before we can even hire you. You will be expected to do things that most people could never do. Sometimes you will feel like you have been in an automobile accident. Sometimes you will feel like you have been in a brawl. Sometimes you will actually be in a brawl. If you are squeamish, or faint at the sight of blood, or appendages bending the wrong direction, this job may not be right for you.

Physical Environment
Although much of this job will be spent in controlled environments, there will be times your work will take you to locations that are less than ideal. You will most likely have to work in horrible settings, such as: rain, cold, snow, wind, heat, Detroit. You will also be subjected to large arenas with thousands of angry people screaming at you. If your feelings are easily hurt, this job may not be right for you.

Education Requirements
We currently do not have any education requirements. But you do need to understand what it means to "carry the rock."

Experience Requirements
We currently do not have any experience requirements.

Job Benefits
  • Excellent pay (unless you consider the physical toll it will take on you)
  • Paid vacations
  • Free food (lots of free food)
  • Great work environment
  • Talented teammates and staff
  • Millions of adoring customers
  • The opportunity to be part of something great
  • On the job training
  • The chance to work for a company that was once the gold standard of our industry (some former employees used to refer to us as "Camelot")

If you feel you are the right person for this job, please don't hesitate. Apply now! We need to complete your physical, get you fitted for your uniform, and begin your training, as we have an opposing company coming to our location this weekend to try to outperform us.

This is not an actual ad for a job opening with the 49ers. Please do not contact the team, or 49ers Webzone. Instead, direct all hate mail to @49ersCamelot.
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