The season is underway, and some fans like some broadcasters; others dislike the same ones. Troy Aikman is one some hope will call the game, while others can't stand the sound of his voice. Cris Collinsworth. Tom Brady. And some of those calling the second-tier games are better than the "top talent."

But now, heading into Week 4, I know that in every broadcast, certain terms or verbal constructions will get used, and I don't know why. They're either unnecessary or completely illogical. And I get to hear them frequently because of the players the 49ers have.


As a former English teacher, I want precision. I want accuracy. I loathe redundancy.

At least once every other game, you hear that Christian McCaffrey is a real "Swiss Army knife." The reason he is called that is because he does many things at a high level.

Which is where the problem lies. Swiss Army knives do not do anything at a high level.

McCaffrey is an elite running back, runs pass routes better than most receivers, and some have said he would be one of the best receivers in the league if he played that full time.

But on the Swiss Army knife, the knife can't cut much of anything besides a box or string (and even then with difficulty). The scissors can cut wrapping paper, but it would take 20 minutes to wrap a small package. And the screwdriver is useless on most screws.


In fact, no tool on a Swiss Army knife would be the one of choice.

Calling CMC a Swiss Army knife is an insult. The real Swiss Army knife on the team is the running back on the practice squad. He can get you 2.2 yards per carry, can catch balls thrown right to him, and is never sent out on a route longer than five yards. Like the SAK, he can do many things at a subpar level and is the last-resort option.

When not an SAK, CMC is often referred to as a real chess piece of head coach Kyle Shanahan. Again, the idea is multiple uses. But chess pieces have only one ability. The rook can only run go routes or jet sweeps and has to stop when someone gets in his way or before they do. The knight runs in-routes and out-routes, and the bishop runs slants. Chess would be much more fun if the pieces could juke other pieces, perform spin moves, or hurdle pieces when they got close to the king.

Chess legends Bobby Fischer, Boris Spassky, or the more recent Gukesh Dommaraju would have loved to have a piece that could do those things. (And a piece that could rush the other piece or play press coverage when the other was about to make a move would be awesome.)

And wouldn't it be great if the pawn had to limp off the board and certain pieces wore eye black. Wouldn't it be cool if the winner got soaked with Gatorade or sprayed with champagne?


For years, the 49ers tried to find someone who could play quarterback at a high level. Finally, they drafted Brock Purdy, and he plays the quarterback position very well.

Christian McCaffrey is one of the best running backs in the league, and Fred Warner has been the gold standard at linebacker for years.

They play quarterback, running back, and linebacker! That's what people said when I was a kid. How did "position" make its way into the broadcast booth?

If they are going to do that, go all the way and say Kyle Shanahan is one of the most innovative minds at the coaching position, and John Lynch has years of experience at the general manager position, clearly learning to recognize talent when he played safety. Jed York has developed into one of the best at the ownership position.

Head coach, general manager, and owner are all positions in the organization, but for some reason the line is drawn at roster spots. (Notice I did not say that Brandon Aiyuk is one of the best at the dumb-a** position in all of sports.)


Clichés are part of sports, and sports metaphors (just other clichés) abound in society, but usually they make some sense. A leader is a quarterback, a great success is a home run, and being honest means playing inside the lines. I understand those.

But how many times have we heard that anyone who works hard is a blue-collar player, a guy who brings his lunch to work? The blue-collar guy who just signed a contract with eight zeros. And would the NFL fine a team that did not provide lunch for its players? (I don't know the answer to that, but the media would be all over it if they didn't.)

Couldn't the clichés in football games at least be accurate? Or show some imagination?

As a quasi-knowledgeable fan, I like specific terms. What gap a defensive lineman plays. Whether a receiver is an X or Y. Sometimes I know the terms. Sometimes I have to look them up. But I learn something.

Announcers are intelligent, knowledgeable people. They offer a lot to the audience. Couldn't they at least be as accurate with their language as they are with the telestrator?

Written By:

Jack Stewart


Jack Stewart was educated at Alabama and Emory and was a Brittain Fellow at Georgia Tech. His poetry has been published widely in the US and several other countries. His book No Reason was published in the Poeima Poetry Series in 2020.
All articles by Jack Stewart


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