Runners-up for the 49ers’ New Stadium Naming Rights

May 14, 2013 at 6:57 AM


Among those companies not selected:

Microloft. Midway through the negotiation process, irate Seahawk fans stormed the corporation's Washington campuses. Microloft withdrew.

Boys-R-Us. Proposed that the lower sections of the stadium consist of gigantic sand boxes with plastic red shovels, gold plastic picks, and alabaster port-a-potties. Sky-boxes would include private tutors, gourmet catering, and posters of one or more C/Kardashian, with the entire rest of the venue as one humongous over-arching jungle gym. The Niners checked their insurance, then nixed the proposal. Back at company headquarters, grown men wept.

Pirate's Grand Ice Cream. Headquartered in the East Bay, the company suggested a silver-and black motif for the new stadium, with a six-hundred-ton statue of Al Davis out front. Needless to say, despite the promise of free fudge sundaes twice a year for 49ers' executives, um, no.

Power Guzzlers & Ecologists. The Niners short-circuited this power company when the outfit's engineers failed to provide absolute one-hundred-per-cent assurance that the power would not go out during a nationally televised night game.

Flexflix. Promised to deliver every game in real time via live streaming video, and, therefore, deemed an actual stadium superfluous, since the team would only need for the games themselves a bare field. Flexflix also promised to mail DVDs to all those fans who might miss the live event. When the 49ers declined, postal workers everywhere kissed their stamps.

Loose-Beamworks Animation. Would partner with Diz-Heart Studios to provide cartoons for each game, thus obviating the need for actual players. Chuck Jones lurched up in his grave, but Niners' brass erased the idea.

Clementine's Bar & Grill. First established in a tent, circa 1849, and still owned and operated from the Eastern Sierra foothills by its original owner, Clementine Montrose, this small-but-convivial joint laid claim to unassailable authenticity, and pledged, should the boss-lady win the rights to the stadium name, that she would install a high-definition TV, whatever that is, above the bar so patrons could actually watch the games, instead of having the results of each play shouted in from a car-radio listener in the gravel parking lot. Clementine's beloved Bar & Grill still displays above its soup caldron, to this day, a hank of mane from Joaquin Murrieta's horse. Alas, the 49ers said nay, but provided as recompense an old analog black-and-white TV with a thirteen-inch screen. Let the snow begin!
The opinions within this article are those of the writer and, while just as important, are not necessarily those of the site as a whole.


2 Comments

  • Ladale
    Levi's stadium is recognizable and has a strong and lasting foundation. Everybody and their momma has owned a pair of Levi's. We'll just call it Levi stadium through conversation. Strong, rugged, hardworking everyday folks are represented by Levi's. great choice. People's champs.
    May 14, 2013 at 7:55 AM
    0
    Response: All spoofing aside, I like the new name too.
  • Vermonator
    Thought this was a real article... Uh, ha, ha, I think.
    May 14, 2013 at 7:05 AM
    0

Facebook Comments



More San Francisco 49ers News



Steve Young says 49ers' Trey Lance is 'awesomely raw'

By Marc Adams
Oct 14

Hall-of-Fame quarterback Steve Young appeared on KNBR Radio for his weekly show to discuss the San Francisco 49ers. He had plenty to say about 49ers rookie quarterback Trey Lance, and his starting debut last Sunday in Arizona. "Well, I mean he is awesomely raw," Young told KNBR's 'Tolbert, Krueger and Brooks' on Wednesday. "There is some stuff, but you know it is moving very quickly. Quarterbacking is about coming to a place where no matter how crazy it is, how intense the moment -- it's how quiet your mind is. When your mind is quiet and you own the data, and you own the moment, then your body, that's when the measure of you as an athlete comes out. "It's a wonderful place to get to, but until it does you're always trying to get to manage your brain being



Greg Cosell has thoughts on why the 49ers ran Trey Lance so often in his first start

By David Bonilla
Oct 14

San Francisco 49ers players aren't around their Santa Clara headquarters right now because the team is on its bye week. However, they will return next week to begin preparations for the Indianapolis Colts. The off time is a good opportunity to listen to analysts like Greg Cosell, who joined KNBR today and shared his thoughts on rookie quarterback Trey Lance's first start this past weekend, a 17-10 loss to the Arizona Cardinals. What did the respected long-time analyst think of the 21-year-old's starting debut? Lance ran the football 16 times for 89 yards, which was a bit unexpected considering head coach Kyle Shanahan had said that fans could expect the rookie looking more like a quarterback and less like a running back in the game,



49ers sign CB Davontae Harris to the practice squad

By David Bonilla
Oct 14

On Tuesday, the San Francisco 49ers waived cornerback Davontae Harris, a day after activating the defender from injured reserve. Today, the team announced that it signed Harris to the practice squad. San Francisco initially claimed Harris (5-11, 200) off waivers from the Baltimore Ravens on August 17. He landed on injured reserve on September 1 due to a hamstring injury. The 26-year-old cornerback has recorded 50 tackles, four passes defensed, and a forced fumble through his three NFL seasons. In addition to the 49ers and Ravens (2020), the fourth-year player spent time with the Cincinnati Bengals, the team that made him a fifth-round draft pick out of Illinois State in 2018, and the Denver Broncos



Analyzing 49ers QB Trey Lance's rookie season so far

By Rohan Chakravarthi
Oct 14

When the 49ers drafted Trey Lance at No. 3 overall, I thought that he was specifically for 2022, because I felt the inconsistencies with his accuracy in college just needed to be fixed, similar to Josh Allen when he came out of the draft. Well, the inevitable happened, as Jimmy Garoppolo suffered a calf strain in San Francisco's Week 4 loss to Seattle, paving the way for Lance to make his first career start. Up to now, Lance is 25-of-48 for 354 yards, with three touchdowns, and an interception through the air, while also rushing 27 times for 133 yards and a touchdown. So, where does that place Lance? Well, in the limited sample size, Lance has primarily been what was expected, and then some. Coming out of college, Lance was a player


Featured

More by D.C. Owens

More Articles

Share 49ersWebzone