49ers Hire Mangini as Manikin

Jun 3, 2013 at 6:57 AM0


In a move long anticipated by dedicated 49er watchers, the team last week hired Eric Mangini. The blogosphere immediately exploded with speculation as to the exact nature of Mr. Mangini's duties. Some said he posed a threat to the Niners' existing offensive/defensive coordinators. Others suspected he represented a nefarious plot by his ex-boss, Bill Belichick, to pass along top-secret 49er plays via video. Still others insisted that the Prospectors, beneath their new stadium, would construct a dungeon where the mad genius, "Mangenius," could work his magic with potions, spells, and discarded confetti.

 

However, sifting through the admittedly sketchy details, it now appears the red-and-gold hired the dapper Mangini for another reason altogether. The 49ers, it seems, have hired Eric Mangini to promote, and to model, Coach Jim Harbaugh's line of clothing, just announced this last April 1st. In retrospect, this makes perfect sense. Mangini is pretty, photogenic, and he plays well with others. Also, during his recent stint with ESPN, he learned to pose for cameras, and to wear copious makeup while doing so.  

In today's high-turnover high-fashion world, clothing designs become obsolete faster than celebrity marriages, and Harbaugh's initial line, based on his sideline attire, rapidly lost traction once fans had purchased one of everything. After all, how many pairs of white socks can one person use? Mangini's debonair image will serve to spice up the basic offerings of Harbaugh Haute Couture. For instance, instead of the baseball cap favored by Coach Jim, Coach Eric will wear a thinking-beanie with a red-and-gold pinwheel affixed to the crown. The Eric Line will also feature fur-lined undergarments (I detest the term "jockstrap" – so ineluctably gauche.), just like the original 49ers wore during those long winters cooped up in miners' camps.  

Supposedly, negotiations among Harbaugh, Mangini, and the team continue with regard to whom, exactly, will get what out of this joint venture, but the start-up had to do something, as even the sales in Cupertino and San Rafael declined precipitously in recent weeks. Now, given Mangini's enduring popularity in the Northeast, New York, and the entire state of Ohio, Harbaugh Haute Couture will soon open new stores on the Cuyahoga River, downtown Boston, and Fifth Avenue.  

Maybe this opportunity to display some beefcake will help Eric to shed the dread nickname "Mangenius," a title he neither sought nor cultivated, and a sobriquet he has come to consistently regret, as he still receives overwhelming amounts of letters from Silicon Valley entrepreneurs, fast-food vendors, and aging spies. When asked to comment on his former protégé's hunk-factor, Coach Bill Belichick hunkered down in his hoody and almost audibly grunted, surely a robust endorsement. Be that as it may, now that Eric has swapped brains for brawn, expect to see the new magnetic Mangini soon, refurbished and rebranded, perhaps attired in top hat, white tie, and tails, all embossed with the natty red-and-gold 49ers logo.

The views within this article are those of the writer and, while just as important, are not necessarily those of the site as a whole.


0 Comments

  • No Comments

Facebook Comments



More San Francisco 49ers News



49ers will receive two 3rd-round picks after Jets hire Robert Saleh, could earn one more

By David Bonilla
4 hrs ago

San Francisco 49ers defensive coordinator Robert Saleh is headed to the New York Jets. He's taking 49ers assistant coach Mike LaFleur with him to be his offensive coordinator. That's a significant loss for head coach Kyle Shanahan. There are a couple of silver linings for the 49ers. One, Shanahan feels the team has Saleh's replacement in place. Reports state that the team plans to promote linebackers coach DeMeco Ryans to replace Saleh as defensive

Read the Full Article


49ers place Trent Williams, Jordan Willis on injured reserve, announce other roster rmoves

By David Bonilla
Jan 1, 2021

The San Francisco 49ers have announced the following roster moves ahead of the team's Week 17 game against the Seattle Seahawks. Tackle Trent Williams (elbow) and defensive lineman Jordan Willis (ankle) have been placed on injured reserve. Both had already been ruled out for Week 17. The 49ers have signed kicker Tristan Vizcaino to the practice squad. The addition was first announced by head coach Kyle Shanahan on Wednesday and became official today. Defensive lineman Alex Barrett has been promoted from the practice squad to the active roster. Vizcaino could replace Robbie Gould on Sunday. The veteran kicker was placed on the

Read the Full Article


49ers-Seahawks Injury Report: Dre Greenlaw, Javon Kinlaw, K'Waun Williams among those ruled out for Sunday

By David Bonilla
Jan 1, 2021

The San Francisco 49ers are preparing for their Week 17 contest against the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday at State Farm Stadium in Glendale, Arizona. Head coach Kyle Shanahan announced on Friday that linebacker Dre Greenlaw is among the players who are ruled "out" for Sunday. "Greenlaw had a calf strain," Shanahan said. "Complained of some calf tightness after practice yesterday. We got an MRI, saw it was strained, so he couldn't go." San Francisco will also be without rookie defensive tackle Javon Kinlaw, veteran corner K'Waun Williams, and several others. Tackle Trent Williams (elbow) and defensive end Jordan Willis (ankle) were placed

Read the Full Article

Featured

More Featured Stories

More by D.C. Owens

All Articles by D.C. Owens

More Articles

All Articles
Share 49erswebzone