Post 1: Table of Contents
Post 2: Prelude
Post 3: Chapter One: "East meets West."
Post 4: Interlude: Restlin', Harbs' s**tty interview with Cowturd, and anything else I can make up
Post 5: Chapter Two: "West meets East"
Post 6: Interlude: Marisa Miller and Friends
Post 7: Chapter Three: "The Man" says I gots to talk fooseball Americano. So, I got a guy that can.
Post 8: Interlude: Playing Video Games with Webzoners is serious business
Post 9: Chapter Four: "Run for it, Marty."
Post 10: Credits and thanks
Post 11: ???
Lawyer: So, do you still insist that you do not know the whereabouts of one, Fropwns? You have to help me here, Egg Shen. You are in a lot of trouble.
Egg: You should leave Fropwns alone! We owe him a debt of gratitude that we shall never ever be able to repay!
Lawyer: Are you serious? He single-handedly destroyed an entire forum. Ninertalk has not been the same since his arrival. Eleven years (and counting) of dick and fart jokes accompanied by the occasional picture of a hot female niner fan (usually Marissa Miller). And what exactly has he contributed to the greater good of the community? He is a hack. His time has come. He has no epic posts left in him, let alone a worthy thread to compete with the young and upcoming posters of this establishment. And what is all of this talk about magic? You really do not believe it exists, do you?
Egg: (Smiles) Of course. But not just any magic, Chinese Black magic.
Lawyer: But how can I believe that! If I had proof, maybe I could…
(Note to self, never, ever, begin with It was a dark and stormy night...)
It was a dark and stormy night…
FP: Well, you listen to ol' Fropwns on a dark and stormy night when the rain is coming down in sheets of lead, and the clouds rumble, and the pillars of heaven shake; and the fan base is quakin' in their boots about Jimmy Graham and the Thunderchickens; you just do what ol' Fropwns does, he looks those teal wearing b*****ds in the face and says…
"Take your best shot, pal. I can take it."
FP: Besides:
FP: You know, I need me a pick me up. (Flips on the radio.)
RADIO: YOU ARE LISTENING TO 99.7 THE SHIZNIT! UP in the next segment, Marvin49!!!
Marvin: So when Fro asked me to write something I was at a loss about what I could say that I hadn't already said in the past several months. I really "don't post unless I have something to say" type of poster.
Enter Seahawks.net. :D
FP: Whatev...Nobody f**king wears Puma anyway.
Marvin: This isn't a bash on our rival fans from the north as much as they are a perfect illustration about the way the Niners are perceived by their rivals, fans and media nationwide, and of course by many Niner fans. I spend a lot of time over on that forum and they are hardly alone in thinking that the Niners are a sinking ship.
Lets start with this....
The argument I've been hearing all offseason is that the Niners will be a 2-14 to 6-10 team on account of all the players they lost and all the coaches they lost, including the almighty Jim Harbaugh.
Here's an idea, Jim, why don't you GTFO!Stick that in your Levi's khakis. Ha, you get it? LEVI's khakis. Ahh forget it, you're fired.
It could very well be that our Niners struggle mightily this season and in seasons to come, but there is a real fundamental problem in all of the arguments I read online:
A team is not a collection of players that are no longer on the team. When a guy leaves via FA or retirement, the 49ers don't have to play 10 on 11 as if it's a Power Play in Hockey. It is still an 11 on 11 game. "You lost Willis and Smith....no way do you win 8 games". Yes. Some good players are gone, but others will get a chance to fill the void of those no longer around. Time will tell if they are adequate replacements. There are also ALOT of very talented players still on the roster.
If you look at the Niners through the prism of how good the team is based on who they currently have and not through who isn't there anymore, you get a pretty different look at the team. Are they a slam-dunk SB contender? Of course not. There are way to many unknowns to say that. But, 2-14? Please.
All this stuff leads to fan and media made fabrications that people assume to be true.
"Your players hate York so much they are retiring at 25".
FP: Yo, Marvin. Let me address that fool.
Marvin: It's all just BS, you're right about that one, Fro. I mean, right? A 25 year old is so mad at his owner that he'll give up 10s of millions of dollars so he doesn't have to play for him. Right, sure. That only makes sense to peeps who want it to be true.
What Marvin is saying is that peeps are cray, cray. Do not f**k with them. Especially if they are armed…with toothpicks!
Marvin: The Niners will be playing 11 on 11 just like every other team in the league. Peeps should look at the team from a different, more logical perspective. Look at our situation based on who IS on the roster, not who isn't.
So....
Defense:
Starting DBs: Eric Reid - Antoine Bethea - Tramaine Brock - ? (Nickel: Jimmie Ward)
That's 3/4s of the starters who were there last year and the same Nickel Back. Several players vying for that last spot. All this attention this offseason on a "rebuilt" secondary...they are replacing ONE guy. They lost two but both played the same spot. Oh by the way, they replaced BOTH starters from the previous year (Rogers and Brown) and still had a very good pass D.
Starting LBs: Aldon Smith - Michael Wilhoite - Navorro Bowman - Ahmad Brooks/Aaron Lynch
I'd submit that those guys make up a better LB corps than the one that started the year last year (Skuta - Wilhoite - Willis - Brooks). Losing Pat and Borland hurts, but stop me if you've heard this before. They played the same position. Its 2 players, that played ONE position. Wilhoite started the entire season. Bowman, who didn't play a down, is back. We are not nearly as bad off as peeps would let on. I'll miss Pat, no doubt, but this ain't the end of the world.
By god, I told you. Marvin told you that peeps are bad news, but you wouldn't listen.
Starting D-Line (right now anyway): Glenn Dorsey - Ian Williams - Quinton Dial
No way around it. Big change has occurred there. No way to tell how this will work out. Is Dorsey a push for McDonald? Dial certainly isn't the Cowboy, but can they manage with Dial there and with Carradine, Dockett, and Armstead coming in off the bench? This one is worth watching.
Offense:
Starting QB: Colin Kaepernick
Not gonna say anything here that hasn't been said a 1000 times before.
FP: I got something.
Marvin: What's that?
FP: I bought his black jersey.
Marvin: You know that don't make one damn bit of difference, don't you?
FP:…..His throwing motion looks better…
Marvin: Go play with your peeps.
Starting RB: Carlos Hyde/Kendall Hunter/Reggie Bush - Bruce Miller
Frank Gore is my favorite 49er ever. I want to make that clear. Despite that and his two solid games to close out the season, can we all admit that he simply hasn't been the same guy the last few years? Yes, he's gotten his 1000 yards. Yes, he still had the patience and vision. What he didn't have though was the explosion. He wasn't eluding defenders. Not like he used to anyway. I love the guy, but it was time. I was very happy with the prospect of Hyde and Hunter, so Bush is just a bonus. To be honest, I'm not even 100% sure he makes the team. We'll see. What I really want to see is Carlos Hyde running the Read/Option with Kap behind a line using ZBS concepts. I think he might be a great fit for that offense.
Starting WRs: Anquan Boldin - Torrey Smith
Unfortunately, we already know that Tandem is good enough to win a SB. I also think that's the best Tandem Kap has ever seen as a starter. When I say that sometimes, I get a lot of flak as if I'm expecting Torrey to be Randy Moss. I'm really not. It has much more to do with my opinion of Michael Crabtree post-injury. I don't expect Torrey to be a 1000 yard receiver. I expect him to be in the 700 to 800 range and open things up for everyone around him. I also think Jerome Simpson might end up being a great surprise signing. Between Torrey and Jerome, speed, speed, speed.
Starting TEs: Vernon Davis - Vance McDonald
I listed two because I have no idea how often they go 2 TEs, but my guess is a lot. I think Vernon got hurt last year and became a forgotten man in the offense. I think this might well be a big comeback year for Vernon. He's healthy, he's in camp (unlike last year) and appears far more motivated this year than last. Vance has really done almost nothing in 2 years. Its a make or break year. In the very limited times he's got his hands on the ball, he's either dropped it or shown that he is a very good athlete. He is very fast and powerful for a man his size. I've seen him hurdle defenders and run them over...but he needs consistency...and a chance.
FP: And some Jamba-Juice!
Starting O-Line: Joe Staley - Alex Boone - Daniel Kilgore - Brandon Thomas - ?
This one is one of the biggest question marks. So hard to really even break it down because we don't know who the starters will be or even WHERE the guys we know will start, will actually start. Not only that, but the implementation of the ZBS (Zone Blocking Scheme). Add to the list above Erik Pears, Marcus Martin, Trenton Brown, and several others...and maybe even a Free Agent. It is very hard to get a handle on this one. How this one plays out could be the single largest factor in how this season unfolds.
Coaching Staff:
Look, I liked Jim Harbaugh. I don't want to rip him now that he's gone as if him leaving was a great thing for the team. It would be disingenuous.
Still though, there were clearly some problems there. He would never let Roman go and I think most of us will admit that a change needed to be made there. The Players had tired of his routine. Management had tired of it. The cloud of his situation hung over the team the entire season. As much as I wanted him to stay, I think it was time for him to go.
With Tomsula, as I've seen on many sites all over the internet and Seahawks.net in particular, any mention of him as anything other than a bumbling buffoon is met with "homer" or "spin-merchant" chants. Ya know what tho? That's OK. They don't have to like him. They don't have to respect him. They don't have to believe in him. Neither do Chicken Little Niner fans.
FP: SHOTS FIRED!
Marvin: It's actually comical to me how little fans of other teams think of him. Screw it. I embrace it now. :D
I've seen peeps call me a homer saying "what has Tomsula done that proves he'll be a good Head Coach"? Exactly the same amount of things that tells me he'll be a bad one. Sorry if I'm not a defeatist that assumes failure on all counts.
Jesus! Look at 'em! But Easter has passed! Where are these f**king peeps coming from? Their going to kill us all with their marshmellowy sugar-inducing coma goodness.
Marvin: I, for one, am really looking forward to seeing this new incarnation of the San Francisco 49ers. New coach. Many new players.
Lets get this thing started. :) Just stop worrying or talking about the players that aren't here anymore. Embrace the ones that are.
Interlude: Restlin', Harbs' s**tty interview with Cowturd, and anything else I can make up
As some of you know, JRG, James to those of us on the DL, is a longtime opinionated poster. He is also a long suffering St. Louis Cardinal fan, who in between hacking the Astros' s**t, makes a little time, every now and then, and visit with us.
FP: James, give me, right here and now, your top five Restlin' matches of this past year.
JRG: Uhhmmmm, I really do not watch that s**t. It is fake. Sort of like the NBA, but with better actors.
FP: I know better than that. You have a membership to the WWE Network!
JRG: Sheepish NO! NO, I CERTAINLY DO NOT!
FP:Yes, you do, JAMES. Yes, you f**king do!
Tito the Delivery Guy:Fro, you should ease u...
Tito:......
FP: Now, James, what are your top five matches of the past year?
JRG:
1. Lesnar vs. Cena vs. Rollins (Royal Rumble)
2. Owens vs. Zayn (NXT Takeover)
3. Cena vs. Owens (Money In The Bank)
4. Reigns vs. Lesnar (Wrestlemania)
5. Bryan vs. Reigns (Fastlane)
FP: See? That wasn't hard was it? NEXT!
Harbs' s**tty interview with Cowturd:
FP: By now, you have heard of the interview that took place this morning on Colin Cowherd's (affectionately in the deep south "Cowturd") show. Here I mean his interview with Jim Harbaugh.
I know what you are thinking...
But....
FP: The media, unsurprisingly, are all, and I mean A-L-L, over the fact that Cowturd cutoff Harbs mid-interview because it was just so, and I mean this with affection, f**king bad that baby Jesus cried.
Seriously. I heard it live. I am currently suing ESPN and the University of Michigan Athletic Department for my life back. Considering ESPN canned Bill Simmons, it is the least I can do. Because let's face it. I am the Bill Simmons of the Webzone, but with far less money, and I f**king hate the Patriots, but love Boston, but don't like the Celtics, but love Clam Chowder....I could go on for days. Anyway, I guess, this one is for Bill and his money?
I posted this earlier after seeing folks blame Cowherd for the debacle with Harbs:
"Love Harbs, but no. A spade is a spade. Harbs is aloof half the damn time. We thought it was charming when he was with us. Now, it stands out stark naked in the light of normal conversation. I agree that Cowherd is a dick. There is no kind of to it. He is a dick; people listen (including me) because he is a dick; and in between his dickiness, he occasionally says something very honest. That being said, he gave Harbs multiple chances. He had plenty to work with, but Harbs, being himself, chose not to do so. I truly think that Harbs is a man meant to be a football coach in the 1950s sense of the definition of the job. Back when they lorded over all, could f**king piss off whoever they wanted, and went out crutin'! Please note, I do not mean this in the 50s' sense of racism or anything like that. I mean attitude. As in, I am the head coach, you are a meager f**k-o, I don't give a fuuuu and I am going to win my way.
I think the dude is going to win a helluva lot of games this way, but not a national title. Let alone have the ability to get everybody he wants. Like it or not, you have to be able to converse in this era as a head coach. Again, I think he can do it behind closed doors, but not nationally, when interviewed in a non-hostile interview environment, by a guy that crowed about him before, during, and after the interview. He (Harbs) thinks, I am almost positive, that it is beneath him and a waste of time. This does not mean he isn't a good person. But on this issue, he shows his ass 99% of the time, and that will crush him at Michigan just like it did here."
Read more at http://www.49erswebzone.com/forum/other-sports/152719-jim-harbaugh-thread-coach/page1028/#saUhPeT7UxqFXQpV.99
I really hope that now that he is gone, we can move past defending antics that really no longer are our prevue to defend. If that could happen...
The diehard Restlin' fans, many of them in the closet, might be sayin'..."WTF does this have to do with Restlin'?"
FP: I dunno
*SPECIAL*
Fro's top five Restlin' matches/moments of ALL OF THE TIMES!
1. Hogan vs. Andre the Giant
It is not the match of the century quality-wise (others would strongly disagree), but the buildup, the announce team, the story, and the slam. Yes, the slam at the end made it an incredible moment for the baby face Hogan.
2. Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat. Clash of the Champions
I prefer to call it the "double chicken-wing" match. Two out of Three falls. Epic buildup. Great, great competitors. And if you listen very close, you hear a younger JR (Jim Ross) with the call.
3. Hogan Heel Turn
I am a sucker for commentary teams that can build a match. Listen to Dusty (RIP ), Tony, and the Brain (A man that has gone through a tremendous amount and deserves our thanks) call this moment. Also note the discussion of Sting. Remember that moment. This moment was not just about Hogan. It altered the career of Sting, forever.
4. Sting goes against the NWO
For the fans of professional wrestling's glory years (1979-2000), I think you have to give it up for Sting. What a "markout" moment. Again, you must listen to how they built this moment up. Remember, he was largely absent for six months. This was the era when wrestling writing was original.
5. TIE: AUSTIN 3:16, DX INVADES, and the Great One ascends.
All of these moments speak for themselves (The Rock showed up unannounced at a house show. You say, "So what?" I say the guy is a millionaire and doesn't have to do s**t with the WWE and still does it anyway. Explain that.)
All of these great matches and moments. But the greatest match, ever? That's easy, I was there with my wife:
FP: Smiles. That. That is the sound of UH-1. He is here.
WRATHman44(fixed, because, WRATH gets angry when he is Carl Weathers.) : Hey folks! Fro asked me if I would receive this year's Fro'th of July with less animosity than last year's. I replied, "No, and GFY." He then tasked me, any way, with assessing the change on both lines and providing Kap a tutorial on how to use social media without showing his ass. I'm not proud of how quickly I folded, but shut up.
First up: the OL. I'm pumped about the switch to the ZBS. I think this is a HUGE help in two major areas:
1) I think OL are more interchangeable in a predominantly zone running line, because everyone tends to take the same steps. There is less emphasis on learning the nuances of the guy next to you, and much more importance of everyone making their zone steps in the same timing, depth, and spacing. Zone teams also suffer losses on their OL, and their run game doesn't seem to suffer as much as ours did.
2) I think the routine and effortless exchange of blocks and flowing transition from double teams to LB pickup on zone run plays causes OL to handle stunts and blitzes better in pass pro, which we could stand to improve on a bit from last year (the "a bit" part was intentional sarcasm. We were uglier than a bag of smashed a$$holes at times in pass pro).
Having less of a penalty in run blocking proficiency would be a boon to this offense, since dudes tend to get nicked up every year, and one or two guys might need to be benched. I'm sick of Boone, you're sick of Boone, I bet Baalke is sick of Boone. He's a starting-caliber OL in this league, but he might not have the movement skills to excel in a ZBS. He always raises his pad level when he moves laterally, and he doesn't change direction particularly well when he's on the move. ZBS requires a lot of lateral movement and adjustment. He might be getting the work he needs while he's away, or he might not. I wonder if he has the physical ability to develop the necessary movement skills to thrive inside in a ZBS. With Anthony Davis texting JT to retire (what a BS move, but I guess he thought it would be impolite to keep crunching all of those potato chips while saying goodbye), I expect Boone will at least join the competition for the RT position. If coaches are looking at who the better tackle is right now, I expect Boone to win that competition. I think he would be more successful at T than at G on the front side of zone runs, as he can use his length more to compensate for poor lateral quickness/agility and poor pad level. I think he would struggle more on the backside of zone running plays, as you need to move quickly to cut off the backside to present a seam for the RB when the defense over-pursues. We already know he's a better pass-blocking T than G. He should have been on his way to 4949 Centenial the moment he heard Davis was out, as all he wants is a T job and T $$$.
FP: So, you are saying that with a ZBS, we can
WRATH: Ignores Fro. I think Brown can challenge him if he makes significant strides in TC and the coaches focus on the guy who might be a better T in this offense by the end of the season. When Brown was 380+ pounds, he already moved better laterally than Boone, so I expect him to be running laps around him at 335-350. He's raw. REALLY raw. Like, the steak moos when you cut it R-A-W.
He should be working his steps and hand placement every day they have off in July. He seems to want it, and he doesn't lack for confidence. He won't be better than Boone by the end of camp, but if he makes it close, maybe the coaches see all that improvement and figure the trend should continue with reps. I think he could be better long term, but that's a LOT of guesswork right now.
We missed Davis last year. I think we'll miss him this year. He brought a physicality to the staring OL that helped set the tone in the run game. Anthony Davis played in a ZBS in Rutgers, and he was the same punishing run blocker that he was here. Unfortunately, he was also the same inconsistent run blocker that he was here. HUH????? Okay, we know the man could dominate the point of attack. He also got to the 2nd level quickly and decisively. He did that in college, too. Unfortunately, he was frequently less effective on the backside of a play. In watching him block backside on zone runs in college and in the NFL, I can't remember him cutting the backside end (producing a HUGE and dependable cutback lane) once, and he got his face crossed by the backside end on multiple occasions. The infuriating thing is that his feet are so damn quick that he should NEVER get beat like that. I think he's either out of shape and tired in those instances, or he just loses focus for some dumb reason. Either way, it has carried over from the NCAA to the NFL. His lack of backside cut blocks is particularly curious, since Staley does them fairly frequently, and very well. I think his lapses in pass pro offset his immense talent, and they seemed to come at the worst possible times. With his many health concerns, it's possible we might not have had him for the whole season anyway, so we have more time to build chemistry with the starting line that will play this season (as soon as the coaches figure out who that will be. I want to wish Davis the best, but I'm pissed that he signed a huge extension while thinking about walking away (signed in 2013, said he's been contemplating "for a few years"), and that he waited until after FA and the draft to say anything. Punk. JMO, but it should be your's too, and you're wrong if you disagree, IMHO.
I'm pumped about our left side. As I mentioned before, Staley is adept at the backside cut; he is also a monster on the front side of zone plays. He has the agility to hook the end for an outside run, the technical proficiency to get the end flowing laterally for an inside zone, and the agility to engage LBs at the second level. No worries here.
Thomas is a godsend. He has T feet at G, he has the feet and agility to thrive on zone run plays, and he prides himself on a top end work ethic. I think he immediately improves pass protection, and he meshes well with another athletic OL in Staley to give us a versatile and dependable left side.
The ZBS transition probably helps Kilgore hang onto his job. He's always been more technique than dominant power, so his ability to step quickly and efficiently should be a distinct benefit on zone running plays. He also holds up well in pass pro, unless a truly physically imposing NT bull rushes him straight back. He should be helped by a guard in those scenarios.
I think Martin probably loses the C competition, which I'm cool with. If he shows enough, I'm hoping he bounces Boone out of the starting lineup. Martin has impressive agility for his size, and just needed some NFL weight room time to bring his functional strength up to par with his size. When he lost matchups last year, his failings were generally a result of strength, the easiest deficiency to correct in the NFL. I think he is more flexible, agile, and PRESENT than Boone, and I think He could be a better fit on the right side. Davis can be a very good player, but he'd benefit from more quickness next to him. With all of that said, I'm actually expecting Boone to keep the job, if only to provide some measure of continuity.
I like Looney as a backup, I think Pears is a journeyman, but he's stuck in the league a long time because he can do his job. He's started everywhere but Center, so he's like a new version of Adam Snyder, a versatile backup that has been upgraded with the ability to actually block people. He should never be in PB contention, but we can expect him to be assignment sound. Farrell is tough and smart. He can play well at the interior 3 in a ZBS.
I'd expect a starting OL of: Staley, Thomas, Kilgore, Martin/Pears, Boone
I'd be pumped if the coaches decided that our best OL was: Staley, Martin, Kilgore, Thomas, Brown
I think Staley is great. I think he can benefit from Martin's size on the left side, and Martin has good enough feet and intelligence to pass block on the left. I think Thomas is a better pass blocker than Martin, so he could help Brown out on the right, and the strong side of our formation doesn't lose much in the run game, since ZBS isn't really about power from the OL anyway, and Brown is 2 people by himself. Brown has all the potential we could ask for, and will cost $500K per. He's got more natural feet than Boone, with all of the length, but he's got a ton to learn. I don't want him given anything, but if he makes the battle tight with Boone/Pears (and maybe Thomas?), I hope he gets the nod.
Defensive Line:
On the DL, I miss Cowboy already. I miss his smile; I miss his musk. The dude made you want to work hard. I think he could have meant a lot to AA's development, but now he won't. I think we are deep and talented on the DL. I'm expecting to see a starting 3 of Dial/Williams/Dorsey on run downs, with Dockett and Tank wrecking shop as the DTs in our nickel/dime packages.
If you notice that I didn't include a spot for AA yet, you are very correct. I think he's a tough guy to pin down, and it's not a bad thing. I think he has the length and power to play LDE, as well as the agility and overall athleticism to play RDE. He had one of the most explosive and dominant bull rushes in college football this year, when he got singled up (didn't happen much). He needs to shed the OL before he starts to lose his balance if he wants to turn those hurries into sacks, but I think he's in the right place to get coached up on DL technique. The thing is, he can't do it all this year. I think he gets the Aldon Smith treatment, and he gets a specific job to do in specific packages. I think that job he gets assigned will be more about team need than his proficiency, since I think he has positive attributes to develop in all three roles I mentioned.
I think our DL will have a couple consistency issues early in the season before they get it together, since they will likely be rotating much more than years past.. I think Dial/Dorsey/TJE/AA could all play well at LDE. I expect to see Tank rotate in with Dial at RDE, and Dockett/AA could do well there if the staff wants to use them on base downs. Dorsey might spell Williams at NT against running teams. I remember a mic'd up, where the LBs were discussing with Tomsula how their run fits would be slightly different with different DL in the game. I love that teaching to individual player strengths has worked its way as far as the front 7 scheme, even before this year. I think we have a deep group with very different strengths that offenses will be forced to adjust to on the fly.
Our pass rush should be wicked. Bowman is back, and he blitzes from the middle as well as anybody (that spin move, mang). We can rotate Smith, Brooks, Lynch, Harold, and maybe Lemonier from the edges, with Dorsey, Tank, AA pushing the interior pocket. If we want to feature a full Nascar package, Harold/Brooks/Lynch/Smith looks deadly. We could even sub in a DT for more control of the OL, and still give the OL fits with any 3 OLBs and a DT like Tank, Dockett, or AA. Add in some zone blitzing and the occasional overload, and QBs should feel uncomfortable all day.
WTF, Kap??
Okay, he didn't shut down his social media accounts after Houstongate (dammit!), so he probably never will (DAMMIT!!!!).
I want to like Kap, I really do, but I also want to set up a GoFundMe account to hire someone to steal and smash his phone anytime he opens up Twitter or IG. I honestly think he should pay his mom in hugs and free tattoos to manage both accounts for him. His feed needs to be nothing but kittens in sweaters, 12 kinds of cheese, and "Rick says we're going out to see The Ant Man! That's gonna be so garsh darn fun! Dontcha know, I remember watching the first one with Jeff Goldblum when the fly climbed in his science experiment. I wonder how they're turning that nice fella from The Dinner for the Schmucks into an ant?"
The point is this: He's the only twitter jackass left.
Since Anthony Davis quit the team to work on the home video version of Man vs. Food and LMJ is out on Miami Beach turning tricks for follows, Kap is the only remaining 49er whose every tweet makes me cringe with the expectation of embarrassment. I think people learn best from negative physical reinforcement. We had a Staff Sargeant who used to scream, "HOW DO PRIVATES LEARN?" and we had to answer, "PAIN AND REPETITION!!!" Well, it's time for Kap's privates to learn something. It's time for the nest of hood rats tasked with polishing lil' Kap to start earning their stack of ones. Kap strikes me as a junk shaver (don't judge me, you know I'm right). Assuming he obsesses over his private appearance as much as he does his public appearance, I'm guessing a strategically-aimed squirt of lemon juice for each dumba$$ post should raise his awareness of his social footprint. If all else fails, let a drunk Ahmad Brooks smash Kap's phone over his head each time he gets it out. Maybe we can hit him where it really hurts and have the 49ers revise his contract to stipulate that each embarassing post on social media results in the public execution of one of his shoes (not the pair; one gets to survive to remind him of what damage his actions have wrought).
Overall, I think the defense remains strong, and I think our offense takes a significant step forward this year, provided that the right side of the OL gets sorted out. If the right side is strong, fluid, and focused to start the year, I think we go 11-5. If the right side is a problem to start the year, I think we go 8-8.
FP: So, if everything goes well...nah, I shouldn't say it.
We here at Fropwns Entertainment(TM) want to share our love of the 49ers with some of our more, ehm, physically adept female fans. For years, literally, we have all collectively drooled over Ms. Marisa Miller, supermodel and resident 49er fan.
But in this time, an era, the above^ makes us want to not think of her as a super hot vixen, but a mom.
A.
Really.
Really.
Cool one.
While Ms. Miller will always remain a fan favorite, and perhaps our Queen of the Niners, there are others vying for her crown:
SBFAN: .......
JM: How you doin?
HP: Hey, FRO. What about us? The ladies? Where is our "meat show"?
FP: Not to worry, ladies, I have scoured the interwebs in an effort to find you the hottest male niner fan that I could.
FP: I am not sure, but I am pretty sure that this might be Asian Jeff. The Air Jordan 4 Retro gives it away.
I hope you enjoyed this interlude. Now, back to the show.
Chapter Three: "The Man" says I gots to talk fooseball Americano. So, I got a guy that can.
FP: It's so f**king hot. And I'm running out of ideas for Chapters...s**t. What possible '80s movie ref could I come up with next... In the meantime, here is THL!
THL: When Fro asked me to list what had to be done to return to the playoffs, my thought was, "Playoffs? You kidding me? I just hope we can win 8 games." And I was all like:
THL: Nonetheless, hope drove our founding fathers to fight for their independence.
FP: Whoa, whoa. I'm going to stop you right there. When you invoke those dudes you need some sort of patriotic gesture.
THL:....Well that is certainly got some folks in the audience standing at....attention. (Chuckles)
FP:....Tell you what, Cowboy, you stick to breaking s**t down, and I'll stick to phallus humor.Deal?
THL: Deal. The offseason is a time for hope, and none of us know what's going to happen. That's why they play the games. Games aren't won, or lost, on paper. Any given Sunday. All those cliches.
So to get back to the playoffs, the 49ers have to have the following aspects come together.
- Offensive Line play must improve
The offensive line was a big point of failure on the field last season. From the struggles in pass protection, the injury to Kilgore, and the inability of ADavis to stay in the lineup, which led to poor run blocking from that position. This season, at least two newcomers, or unprovens, will be counted on to contribute.
The longer that the pass protection can hold up, the more variety of route concepts can be dialed up, the deeper WRs can run their routes, the more space is given to RBs underneath as opposing linebackers gain depth in their coverage drops, and of course, the more time Kap has to scan the field. When given time in the pocket versus the blitz, Kap can make defenses pay.
6 man pressure. All blitzers picked up. Kap using a clean pocket to throw with anticipation.
5 man pressure. Clean pocket, throwing a WR open.
This topic was already covered extensively so there's not much else to say. The unit needs to get a lot better.
FP: So, you are telling me that you found some problems?
THL: Now, as I was saying...
- Run Defense
Losing Justin Smith and Ray McDonald is a hit to the 3-4 personnel's run defense. Although the nickel package gets more snaps, not being able to stop the run on base downs allows the opposing offense to dictate the play. Not being able to stop the run causes a chain of events to occur that favor the offense: linebackers bite on playaction, a safety might be brought into the box, pass rushers aren't as aggressive because they are playing run first. Any defense worth a damn, needs to stop the run first.
Expected to fill their shoes at defensive end will be a rotation of Dial, Dorsey, Tank, and Dockett. Dockett is not known for his run defense while Dorsey is. Two youngsters will be expected to take on a large role. How they perform this season will be a telling sign for the future of this front 7.
Here's a play that shows good run defense technique on the part of Dial and Tank. To play as part of the base 3-4 personnel, the two DEs must play like this. Here, Dial is playing the nose, and Tank is playing a 2 technique, head up on the Left Guard.
Dial feels the double team and drops to one knee. This anchors himself down as well as present a small target for the Right Guard to execute a double team block. Dial also grabs a hold of the Center to prevent the Center from getting to the second level. This keeps the inside LB (#54) clean. Tank has his hands to the inside of the LG and has his eyes focused on the RB.
Dial takes two OLmen down with him, the RG and the C. Tank is able to shed the block and spin towards the RB as he and the ILB make the stop for a minimal gain.
- New bellcow in town
For the first time in 9 seasons, Gore is not the starting RB. It's time to usher in a new age for the 49er rushing attack and it's Hyde who has the torch.
In the words of the great Bill Walsh:
"The Play-Pass is the one fundamentally sound football play that does everything possible to contradict the basic principles of defense. I truly believe it is the single best tool available to take advantage of a disciplined defense. By using the play-pass as an integral part of your offense, you are trying to take advantage of a defensive team that is very anxious very intense and very fired-up to play football."
Can't play pass without a good ground game. Hyde must show he was worth the 2nd round pick the 49ers spent on him. 'Runningback by committee' is just a nice way to say that there is no clear #1. Hyde needs to be the clear #1. He has shown the ability to run with ball security, shiftiness, violence, and also flashed the ability to pick up blitzes. The hardest thing is consistency.
Breaking ankles
Breaking spirits
FP: So, wait. Wait, when does this happen for us?
THL: What you are watching is now, now.
FP: What happened to then?
THL: We just passed it.
FP: When?
THL: Just now. We are in now, now.
FP: When will then...
be now?
THL: Soon.
FP: HELL YEAH! RAWR! LET ME AT THEM!
- Home Field...advantage?
Going 4-4 at home, which is what they did in 2014, is not a home field advantage if the 49ers want to get back into the playoffs. If the novelty of the new stadium wears off, and fans in attendance are more interested with the football product than the stadium's myriad of amenities, Levi's Field can turn into a true home field advantage.
THL:The team needs to go at least 5-3 at home to give them some room for error with the road games. It was understandable that fans wanted to see the stadium and all that it had to offer in its inaugural season. But...
Hopefully that's done and over with. Sit down and watch some football.
THL: Welp, that is all for me. Fro? FRO?
FP:
FP: Thanks, THL! I guess there is one thing left to say:
Interlude: Playing Video Games with Webzoners is serious business or why in the middle of the most epic thread that you will read this year, I can squeeze in a video game article from our resident gamer, my friend, and longtime Destiny running mate, VABeachNiner!
FP: So, Va. What have you got for us?
VA:....
FP: Va?
VA: PEW! PEW! PEW!
FP: Va?
VA: HA! Take that you nasty Blue team member!
FP: Blue team? WTF? Va? We got a show to do...
VA: AHHHHHHHH! BLOATFLY! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!!!
FP: Uhhh....I'm not sure we have time for that.
VA: I CAN FLY! I CAN FLLLLLLLYYYYYYY!!!
What VA sees:
What we see:
(Fro unplugs the VR headset)
VA: Looks around. Ahhh s**t. I guess it is time to go to work. Without further ado here is my Top 5 2015 fall games!
VA: If you know me by now, you would think my top 5 games this fall would be:
1.Destiny: The Taken King
2.Destiny: The Taken King
3.Destiny: The Taken King
4.Destiny: The Taken King
5.Leisure Suit Larry 6
VA: No, but really I actually play other games, or what Wrath (Editor's note, Wrath has already made an appearance!) thinks, all of them. Anyways, moving on to the top 5 most anticipated CONSOLE games of this fall. Not PC games. Cuz then the top 5 would Japanese dating game simulators or pornhub games.
1. Fallout 4
A game so big that even Bethesda decided to show up at E3. Bethesda will be making a triumphant return to the post-apocalyptic wasteland that put them on the map. With their debut on the PS4 and XB1 expect to see an even bigger open world than in Fallout 3 and New Vegas, this time set in Boston, MA. Most of the gameplay mechanics from those games return as well, but this time with more refined precision. V.A.T.S., NPC buddies (who are now immortal), pip-boy menu optimization, and more have been upgraded.
Also the game will now include the ability to customize you player's armor from helmet to boot, and weapons can be taken apart and rebuilt as you desire. Given the next gen system capabilities (we already know what PCs can do), one can imagine what Bethesda has in store. Probably some sort of radioactive ghoul romance options or something along those lines. Based on the reveal trailer seen at this past E3, we now know your character, male or female, will no longer be silent. This is a first in a series known for its previously silent protagonist.
And for those desperate to outdo the IWatch crowd, you can now get your own Pipboy. I am certain that any doot that gets one of these is going to be trimming more "trim" than a hedge clipper.
Expect your decisions to once again shape the landscape, as I am sure we will be meeting familiar factions from previous games (crossing my fingers for the Tunnel Snakes). So yes, you can be evil and nuke whatever version of Megaton City is in Boston (Fenway Park?). Be that total badass running around the wasteland in nothing but your undergarments and heavy gatling laser gun. Do it; Three Dog demands it. Oh yeah, he's making a return too. Turn up that in-game radio baby....
FP: SO CRANK THE VOLUME FOR MR. JACKIE WILSON!!!!
2. Metal Gear Sold V : The Phantom Pain
Hideo Kojima's final Metal Gear game.
While that is sad news to hear that Konami couldn't come to terms on a new contract and Kojima will leave in a reportedly ugly breakup, his final game is set to deliver. (FU Konami!) As another big game moving to next gen systems, MGS5 will now be set in a pre-Outer Haven open world with the return of Big Boss (i.e. "Snake"; i.e., you). With a storyline set 10 years after the events of Ground Zeroes, now 1984, Big Boss will be going to the Middle East for some revenge in the only way a Snake can.
FP: So with this whole Konami vs. Kojima situation, you are simply saying that
VA: Pretty much. Kojima has gone all out for this final game. If Ground Zeroes is any indication, the game will be visually stunning, and expanded too. Snake has even more freedom to conduct missions and can use the open environment to his advantage. Of course, his stealth gameplay remains in tact, as who wouldn't want to sneak around in a cardboard box by unsuspecting guards. The game promises to be 200x bigger than the Ground Zeroes demo, which is a good thing as many felt disappointed by that particular demo. And not to be undone, Metal Gear Online will be making a return, so get your CQC skills back in gear.
And Kojima being Kojima, expect to see even more crazy storytelling and innuendos that made the previous games memorable. Though you probably won't have another gay vampire boss with daddy issues again, nor that dude covered up in bees, or that one floating skinny mental dude that moved your controller (that s**t was real magic, doe), or that girl in sleek leather and tentacles, or that fat guy in an EOD suit on roller skates, or that metal ninja warrior who was at one time so wussy we almost revolted against Kojima, or that clone brother of a clone who died and became a Russian gunslinger's right hand, or….. Wait WTF? WTH was Kojima exactly smoking? Who cares, get this game!
3. Halo 5 : Guardians
The Master Chief is back.
With the exception of the Master Chief Collection, Halo 5 is the first full Halo game set on the XB1. 343 Industries returns for the next gen system and promises a bigger Halo world. Master Chief is traveling now, not because he's earned a vacation, but rather he's gone rogue. From looking at the various reports, it appears that MC has gone AWOL and another group of Spartans has been sent to 'retrieve' him. Interesting to see that the storyline may be having a plot twist or two. In the overall scheme of the game, this means gamers will now have the opportunity to play as that team sent to get MC. Though if I were on a fireteam sent to find him, I don't we would stand much of a chance against a dude who singlehandedly fought off three alien invasions, sacrificed himself in an exploding ship to save his alien BFF, and oh lost his virtual girlfriend who had been blueballing him all this time. Good luck with that.
While you will be leading a fireteam ordered to get the MC, but you will also be able to play the MC and see why you have gone AWOL. Why did he runaway? Maybe he's looking for his virtual playmate Cortana, or maybe he's just tired of Halo and wants to play Destiny (btw game of the century right there). On top of that, and if rumors are true, you may also be able to play the Arbiter too. The Arbiter appears to be trying to unite the Elite Covenant once and for all. Elite homeworld gameplay anyone?
Of course Halo wouldn't be Halo if it didn't have multiplayer.
MP makes a big return, with more gameplay modes and bigger fights. Warzone is one such addition, adding 12 vs 12 of teabagging chaos. 343 Industries will be making the MP experience memorable, and at the cost of practically nothing. Along with the return of character armor/weapon modifications, additional maps will be added after game launch periodically, and they will be free of charge. You see that Destiny!? FREE DLC! Get your s**t together, Bungie (but no really I love you guys).
4. Star Wars Battlefront
One word: Hoth battle with AT-ATs. Well that's four, but you get the point.
Battlefront is finally making a comeback this year. Once again will you get the opportunity to t-bag your rebel scum best friend with your AT-AT. Well not really the last part, but you can still t-bag him. It's fun, try it. But not with the AT-AT.
With the megahype coming from the upcoming Star Wars Episode VII movie (please save us, JJ Abrams!), people are excited for this game. And why not? Open world Battlefield style gameplay from the developers at DICE lets you choose the wimpy Rebel Alliance and of course, the superior Empire. There will be ground battles; there will be aerial battles; but sadly no space battles. Wait, next gen systems and they can't do space battles? That's like saying the Force comes from stupid cell-based organisms or something. Pfft. And yes the Heroes will be available to use if you can reach them. But there is really only one hero. That's right, Darth Vader. Let's just say you are all lucky he didn't have an iphone back then, or he'd be force choking your sorry rebel ass through facetime in less than 12 parsecs.
Most of your favorite vehicles make a return. X-Wings, TIEs, AT-STs, speeder bikes, etc. But getting back to the point, AT-ATs. Yes you can control them and lay waste. See that shield generator? Blast it. That ion cannon station that looks like a giant boob? Blast it. You see that rebel dude in an orange jumpsuit running towards you with a blue light-pole thingy? Stomp him, as I am sure he has NOTHING to do with Star Wars.
Rebels suck, go Empire.
5. Rainbow Six Siege
Or rather call it 'Angela Bassett and her Howling Commandos! I am not kidding, Angela Bassett is in this game.
She is the leader of the new Rainbow Six. Yes, the game that years ago introduced one-shot, one kill frustration to many before Call of Duty ruined it years later with auto health regen BS. Anyway, Rainbow Six is back and this time you are up against a new terrorist threat. Gameplay is more varied now with coop, single player, and multiplayer available. Coop with up to 4 other gamers in 5 vs 5 multiplayer battles of rescuing hostages, defusing bombs, or just shooting them.
But this being Rainbow Six, you get to choose your specially trained character from a list of the best special forces from around the world, each with their very own style and attitude. Murica's FBI, Russian Spetsnaz, Her Majesty's SAS, the German GSG-9, French GIGN, and the Empire. Oh wait, sorry about the last one. But think about it, all you need is Darth Vader to force choke everyone. Forget tactical planning, Darth can force kill everyone by just farting. Make it happen Ubisoft.
Your character will have a specialty (CQC, sniping, engineering, underwater basket weaving, etc.) and it's up to you to work together tactically to bring down the opponents. Can you Leroy Jenkins
your way through a fight? Sure you can, but there is no I in team. Or, well there is an M and E in team…..oh shut up Meg.
Expect more strategy and a little less CoD. After all you will be working for Angela Bassett in this game. And she is more serious and less douchey than Kevin Spacey was in that Call of Duty game about Terminator body armor or something.
FP: Wow! Lot of solid games coming out this year (finally!). Anything else? How did you think your post went?
FP: When I was in school, here I mean primary through High School, I spent little time with math. Math? Pfffffft. Math. (Laughs). But these dudes, they know their statistical analysis. They are some of the best, one is a recent HOF inductee. So, they better damn be good. Ladies and Gentlemen....
Mrs. FP: You should see him when it comes to figuring tax!
FP: .....
(SNAP! POP! POP!)
FP: Doc? DOC BROWN!?!?!
DB: GET IN FROs!
FP: Why? We just got here. I was going to start something with these guys...
DB: It's your MATH skills, FRO! Something has to be done about them!
Hi, this Niners816 here, while Fro is off to fix his math skills, I am here to try and develop a projection for the 2015 offense; but, before I started, I felt it was necessary to take a close look at some of the offenses Steve Logan had run over the course of his career. I felt this was necessary because he will be the one working closest with Kaepernick and you would think he could have a big influence on the offense in collaboration with Geep. The Following is a sampling of some of his offenses:
1999 ECU Game averages
16/28 for 216
36 rushes 156 yards
DB: If my readings are correct, we are in fact in the year 1985. Now where to find you from the past?
Mrs. FP: I know where he is.....
Detention.
FP:
FP(1985 Version): Don't you, forget about me!!!!!! AS YOU WALK ON BY!
Principal: Is there a problem Mr. Pwns?
FP(1985 Version):
Principal: YOU WILL REGRET THIS SOME DAY, MR. PWNS!!!
Jock Guy: Dude, you just got to stop.
FP: What a douche!
DB: Don't be so hard on yourself. We were all young, once.
Mrs. FP: He means the Jock Guy.
FP: Exactly! Alright give me the letter.
DB: Careful with that, Fro. Just give him enough information to alter course, not change the entire dynamic!
FP: Got it, Doc!
(FP slips the letter into the trench coat.)
FP: Alright, lets get out of here.
FP (1985): You know what, I have had it with all of you! I'm out!
NCommand here with the handoff from Niners816 out of the Q-formation! Seriously, where in the hell is Fropwns? Oh well, I'm running this bad-boy off-tackle. I bet you didn't see that one coming, defense! In addition to the Logan foundations noted by Niners816, I also pulled in Geep's numbers as well. In all, we are looking hard into the Logan/Chryst Offensive Coordinator tenures (College, NFL Europe & NFL) and below you will see a 7-year aggregate average of offensive production. These will be used as our 2015 baseline stats and projections --- compared to what we accomplished in 2014 (for reference):
Analysis: Looks about right, huh!?! For 2015, the WR1 leads the team in receiving yards. But what stands out in this aggregate Logan/Geep offensive production is the use of not 1, not 2 but 3 RB's in the passing game. We're already seeing a heavy emphasis on this in OTA's. Collectively, they are 2nd or 3rd (to the WR2) in total reception yards, followed by WR3 and TE1 with WR4 bringing up the end. A TE2 does not seem to be utilized much in favor of a WR3 & WR4 with a nice distribution of receivers and balance of yards.
You'll see that the TOTAL passing yards and running yards won't be much different from what we've seen under HaRoman looking at the 2014 final results. BUT we should see a much better distribution of passes within it and much less predictability while remaining focused on the running game while we transition to a full time zone blocking scheme and away from power.
Where we'll probably see the potential for all these passing numbers to increase dramatically is with the talent we have here compared to what Logan/Geep had to work with during their tenures. Can we expect better total yards from RB receivers such as Hyde, Davis, Bush and Hunter (even Miller/Millard)? Most likely! How about a potential increase in yards with T.Smith, Boldin, Simpson, Ellington and Patton? How about V.Davis and McDonald/Bell benefiting underneath them now?
I'd say it's reasonable to assume that our 2015 projections are the bare minimum this offense will produce. Bare minimum in the passing game. While we can probably expect a modest increase on talent alone we'll remain conservative here. Another thing of note, is that QB Jim Harbaugh (1999 Chargers) under Geep was 4th on the team in rushing. It's also safe to assume Kaepernick might pick up a few extra yards on the ground as well adding to that rushing total.
So all in all, let's make our conservative 2015 predictions with OUR roster now that we have our baseline stats to work with:
What you see before you was not possible without a lot of help. We began this project about a month ago. And, in typical American fashion, I waited till the last minute to finish it. Big thanks goes to the following posters for making this happen.
Their efforts should not be ignored as they represent what is great about our lil' community. I've been here for eleven years, and I have to say, that the knowledge of some of our posters, including these dudes, is top notch. Hats off to them for their efforts.
With that being said, all poorly executed jokes, all short cuts in storytelling, and everything in between are my responsibility solely.
), Tony, and the Brain (A man that has gone through a tremendous amount and deserves our thanks) call this moment. Also note the discussion of Sting. Remember that moment. This moment was not just about Hogan. It altered the career of Sting, forever.
Since Anthony Davis quit the team to work on the home video version of Man vs. Food and LMJ is out on Miami Beach turning tricks for follows, Kap is the only remaining 49er whose every tweet makes me cringe with the expectation of embarrassment. I think people learn best from negative physical reinforcement. We had a Staff Sargeant who used to scream, "HOW DO PRIVATES LEARN?" and we had to answer, "PAIN AND REPETITION!!!" Well, it's time for Kap's privates to learn something. It's time for the nest of hood rats tasked with polishing lil' Kap to start earning their stack of ones. Kap strikes me as a junk shaver (don't judge me, you know I'm right). Assuming he obsesses over his private appearance as much as he does his public appearance, I'm guessing a strategically-aimed squirt of lemon juice for each dumba$$ post should raise his awareness of his social footprint. If all else fails, let a drunk Ahmad Brooks smash Kap's phone over his head each time he gets it out. Maybe we can hit him where it really hurts and have the 49ers revise his contract to stipulate that each embarassing post on social media results in the public execution of one of his shoes (not the pair; one gets to survive to remind him of what damage his actions have wrought). 
"The Play-Pass is the one fundamentally sound football play that does everything possible to contradict the basic principles of defense. I truly believe it is the single best tool available to take advantage of a disciplined defense. By using the play-pass as an integral part of your offense, you are trying to take advantage of a defensive team that is very anxious very intense and very fired-up to play football."
AT-STs, speeder bikes, etc. But getting back to the point, AT-ATs. Yes you can control them and lay waste. See that shield generator? Blast it. That ion cannon station that looks like a giant boob? Blast it. You see that rebel dude in an orange jumpsuit running towards you with a blue light-pole thingy? Stomp him, as I am sure he has NOTHING to do with Star Wars. 
Don't you, forget about me!!!!!! AS YOU WALK ON BY!
Sweet!
