Onion Sports 2010 NFL Team-By-Team Guide (NFC West)

Originally posted by Dr_Gonzo:

Originally posted by fandemonium:

Originally posted by sincalfaithful:

Originally posted by NickSh49:

Originally posted by sincalfaithful:

Originally posted by skynet907:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2010-nfl-teambyteam-guide,18023/?slide=8

Quote:
#
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks

* Strength: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius
* Weakness: Team is in their 10th year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck
* Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play
* Intangibles: Billionaire owner Paul Allen is concentrating less on his team and more on hollowing out the earth so he can live inside it with the dinosaurs there

San Francisco 49ers

* Strength: He may not be a Joe Montana, but Alex Smith is proving to be a better QB than Jim Druckenmiller, Gio Carmazzi, or Steve Stenstrom ever were
* Weakness: Whatever head coach Mike Singletary is thinking at any given moment
* Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone
* Biggest Question: If the 49ers are willing to let Glen Coffee go to follow Christ, what's to stop the entire team from following suit?

St. Louis Rams

* Strength: Going into 2010, the Rams are almost perfectly positioned to receive another high draft pick in 2011
* Weakness: Battle for the quarterback position seems to be heating up, as neither starter A.J. Feely nor first overall draft pick Sam Bradford wants to be blamed for the upcoming 2-14 season
* Intangibles: Scuttlebutt around the league says the Rams have a pretty good track record when it comes to playing decent music on the locker-room boom box
* Biggest Question: What sick f**k thought it would be a good idea for the Rams to face the defending Super Bowl champion Saints on the road Dec. 12?

Arizona Cardinals

* Strength: Superstar Larry Fitzgerald runs crisp routes, gets good separation, and watches helplessly as poorly thrown passes wobble to the turf
* Weakness: Kurt Warner is getting slower and less accurate because he has retired and is never, ever coming back
* Player To Watch: None, although team is well-stocked with players to turn away from while cringing because you can't bear to watch
* Intangibles: Matt Leinart, who may be the least tangible quarterback in the NFL

Wtf is this garbage

Grow a sense of humor homey.

I've got a sense of humor...apparently we don't have enough pointless threads

If you think a thread is pointless, ignore it. By making multiple posts, you're continuing the existence of a thread you think is pointless. What's the point in that?

Yeah I hate this thread

Me too.

The onion is hilarious. This is hilarious. It's a joke about our team, but did you people that are hating even bother reading the jokes about the other teams? What about the teams in the link?

Some gems:

Cleveland Browns:

Strength: N/A

Detroit Lions
Strength: Since they play in the NFC North, this team should get two easy wins when facing the lowly Lions

Dallas Cowboys

Strength: Yes, there are positives, but reading them will only make you angry and listing them will only make us angry
Weakness: Other than being the most infuriating, knuckle-whitening, I-want-to-throw-a-brick-through-my-television-set-when-I-watch-them team in the league, are a little weak at free safety
Intangibles: fark the Dallas Cowboys and every farking thing they stand for; special teams
Biggest Question: Can they finally get over the hump and get back to the Super Bowl, and do they know how much that would depress the entire U.S. populace?

Originally posted by sincalfaithful:

Originally posted by NickSh49:

Originally posted by sincalfaithful:

Originally posted by skynet907:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2010-nfl-teambyteam-guide,18023/?slide=8

Quote:
#
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks

* Strength: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius
* Weakness: Team is in their 10th year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck
* Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play
* Intangibles: Billionaire owner Paul Allen is concentrating less on his team and more on hollowing out the earth so he can live inside it with the dinosaurs there

San Francisco 49ers

* Strength: He may not be a Joe Montana, but Alex Smith is proving to be a better QB than Jim Druckenmiller, Gio Carmazzi, or Steve Stenstrom ever were
* Weakness: Whatever head coach Mike Singletary is thinking at any given moment
* Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone
* Biggest Question: If the 49ers are willing to let Glen Coffee go to follow Christ, what's to stop the entire team from following suit?

St. Louis Rams

* Strength: Going into 2010, the Rams are almost perfectly positioned to receive another high draft pick in 2011
* Weakness: Battle for the quarterback position seems to be heating up, as neither starter A.J. Feely nor first overall draft pick Sam Bradford wants to be blamed for the upcoming 2-14 season
* Intangibles: Scuttlebutt around the league says the Rams have a pretty good track record when it comes to playing decent music on the locker-room boom box
* Biggest Question: What sick f**k thought it would be a good idea for the Rams to face the defending Super Bowl champion Saints on the road Dec. 12?

Arizona Cardinals

* Strength: Superstar Larry Fitzgerald runs crisp routes, gets good separation, and watches helplessly as poorly thrown passes wobble to the turf
* Weakness: Kurt Warner is getting slower and less accurate because he has retired and is never, ever coming back
* Player To Watch: None, although team is well-stocked with players to turn away from while cringing because you can't bear to watch
* Intangibles: Matt Leinart, who may be the least tangible quarterback in the NFL

Wtf is this garbage

Grow a sense of humor homey.

I've got a sense of humor...apparently we don't have enough pointless threads

Let me guess, we need more Alex Smith and Nate Davis threads? Get a clue dude. It's the Onion. See the website or watch the movie. But be sure and head down to Wally World and pick up a sense of humor first.

Here is the one I liked best so far:

New York Jets

* Strength: Rex Ryan is a coach who leads by example, an approach that has helped the Jets build one of the fattest offensive lines in the league

Originally posted by Dr_Gonzo:

Originally posted by Dr_Gonzo:

Originally posted by fandemonium:

Originally posted by sincalfaithful:

Originally posted by NickSh49:

Originally posted by sincalfaithful:

Originally posted by skynet907:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2010-nfl-teambyteam-guide,18023/?slide=8

Quote:
#
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks

* Strength: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius
* Weakness: Team is in their 10th year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck
* Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play
* Intangibles: Billionaire owner Paul Allen is concentrating less on his team and more on hollowing out the earth so he can live inside it with the dinosaurs there

San Francisco 49ers

* Strength: He may not be a Joe Montana, but Alex Smith is proving to be a better QB than Jim Druckenmiller, Gio Carmazzi, or Steve Stenstrom ever were
* Weakness: Whatever head coach Mike Singletary is thinking at any given moment
* Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone
* Biggest Question: If the 49ers are willing to let Glen Coffee go to follow Christ, what's to stop the entire team from following suit?

St. Louis Rams

* Strength: Going into 2010, the Rams are almost perfectly positioned to receive another high draft pick in 2011
* Weakness: Battle for the quarterback position seems to be heating up, as neither starter A.J. Feely nor first overall draft pick Sam Bradford wants to be blamed for the upcoming 2-14 season
* Intangibles: Scuttlebutt around the league says the Rams have a pretty good track record when it comes to playing decent music on the locker-room boom box
* Biggest Question: What sick f**k thought it would be a good idea for the Rams to face the defending Super Bowl champion Saints on the road Dec. 12?

Arizona Cardinals

* Strength: Superstar Larry Fitzgerald runs crisp routes, gets good separation, and watches helplessly as poorly thrown passes wobble to the turf
* Weakness: Kurt Warner is getting slower and less accurate because he has retired and is never, ever coming back
* Player To Watch: None, although team is well-stocked with players to turn away from while cringing because you can't bear to watch
* Intangibles: Matt Leinart, who may be the least tangible quarterback in the NFL

Wtf is this garbage

Grow a sense of humor homey.

I've got a sense of humor...apparently we don't have enough pointless threads

If you think a thread is pointless, ignore it. By making multiple posts, you're continuing the existence of a thread you think is pointless. What's the point in that?

Yeah I hate this thread

Me too.

wish this thread would sink to obscurity already.

Originally posted by Shorteous:

Originally posted by Dr_Gonzo:

Originally posted by Dr_Gonzo:

Originally posted by fandemonium:

Originally posted by sincalfaithful:

Originally posted by NickSh49:

Originally posted by sincalfaithful:

Originally posted by skynet907:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2010-nfl-teambyteam-guide,18023/?slide=8

Quote:
#
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks

* Strength: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius
* Weakness: Team is in their 10th year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck
* Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play
* Intangibles: Billionaire owner Paul Allen is concentrating less on his team and more on hollowing out the earth so he can live inside it with the dinosaurs there

San Francisco 49ers

* Strength: He may not be a Joe Montana, but Alex Smith is proving to be a better QB than Jim Druckenmiller, Gio Carmazzi, or Steve Stenstrom ever were
* Weakness: Whatever head coach Mike Singletary is thinking at any given moment
* Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone
* Biggest Question: If the 49ers are willing to let Glen Coffee go to follow Christ, what's to stop the entire team from following suit?

St. Louis Rams

* Strength: Going into 2010, the Rams are almost perfectly positioned to receive another high draft pick in 2011
* Weakness: Battle for the quarterback position seems to be heating up, as neither starter A.J. Feely nor first overall draft pick Sam Bradford wants to be blamed for the upcoming 2-14 season
* Intangibles: Scuttlebutt around the league says the Rams have a pretty good track record when it comes to playing decent music on the locker-room boom box
* Biggest Question: What sick f**k thought it would be a good idea for the Rams to face the defending Super Bowl champion Saints on the road Dec. 12?

Arizona Cardinals

* Strength: Superstar Larry Fitzgerald runs crisp routes, gets good separation, and watches helplessly as poorly thrown passes wobble to the turf
* Weakness: Kurt Warner is getting slower and less accurate because he has retired and is never, ever coming back
* Player To Watch: None, although team is well-stocked with players to turn away from while cringing because you can't bear to watch
* Intangibles: Matt Leinart, who may be the least tangible quarterback in the NFL

Wtf is this garbage

Grow a sense of humor homey.

I've got a sense of humor...apparently we don't have enough pointless threads

If you think a thread is pointless, ignore it. By making multiple posts, you're continuing the existence of a thread you think is pointless. What's the point in that?

Yeah I hate this thread

Me too.

wish this thread would sink to obscurity already.

people should stop posting in it.

Originally posted by skynet907:

Originally posted by Shorteous:

Originally posted by Dr_Gonzo:

Originally posted by Dr_Gonzo:

Originally posted by fandemonium:

Originally posted by sincalfaithful:

Originally posted by NickSh49:

Originally posted by sincalfaithful:

Originally posted by skynet907:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2010-nfl-teambyteam-guide,18023/?slide=8

Quote:
#
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks

* Strength: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius
* Weakness: Team is in their 10th year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck
* Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play
* Intangibles: Billionaire owner Paul Allen is concentrating less on his team and more on hollowing out the earth so he can live inside it with the dinosaurs there

San Francisco 49ers

* Strength: He may not be a Joe Montana, but Alex Smith is proving to be a better QB than Jim Druckenmiller, Gio Carmazzi, or Steve Stenstrom ever were
* Weakness: Whatever head coach Mike Singletary is thinking at any given moment
* Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone
* Biggest Question: If the 49ers are willing to let Glen Coffee go to follow Christ, what's to stop the entire team from following suit?

St. Louis Rams

* Strength: Going into 2010, the Rams are almost perfectly positioned to receive another high draft pick in 2011
* Weakness: Battle for the quarterback position seems to be heating up, as neither starter A.J. Feely nor first overall draft pick Sam Bradford wants to be blamed for the upcoming 2-14 season
* Intangibles: Scuttlebutt around the league says the Rams have a pretty good track record when it comes to playing decent music on the locker-room boom box
* Biggest Question: What sick f**k thought it would be a good idea for the Rams to face the defending Super Bowl champion Saints on the road Dec. 12?

Arizona Cardinals

* Strength: Superstar Larry Fitzgerald runs crisp routes, gets good separation, and watches helplessly as poorly thrown passes wobble to the turf
* Weakness: Kurt Warner is getting slower and less accurate because he has retired and is never, ever coming back
* Player To Watch: None, although team is well-stocked with players to turn away from while cringing because you can't bear to watch
* Intangibles: Matt Leinart, who may be the least tangible quarterback in the NFL

Wtf is this garbage

Grow a sense of humor homey.

I've got a sense of humor...apparently we don't have enough pointless threads

If you think a thread is pointless, ignore it. By making multiple posts, you're continuing the existence of a thread you think is pointless. What's the point in that?

Yeah I hate this thread

Me too.

wish this thread would sink to obscurity already.

people should stop posting in it.

WTFITS?

Originally posted by boast:

Originally posted by skynet907:

Originally posted by Shorteous:

Originally posted by Dr_Gonzo:

Originally posted by Dr_Gonzo:

Originally posted by fandemonium:

Originally posted by sincalfaithful:

Originally posted by NickSh49:

Originally posted by sincalfaithful:

Originally posted by skynet907:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2010-nfl-teambyteam-guide,18023/?slide=8

Quote:
#
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks

* Strength: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius
* Weakness: Team is in their 10th year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck
* Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play
* Intangibles: Billionaire owner Paul Allen is concentrating less on his team and more on hollowing out the earth so he can live inside it with the dinosaurs there

San Francisco 49ers

* Strength: He may not be a Joe Montana, but Alex Smith is proving to be a better QB than Jim Druckenmiller, Gio Carmazzi, or Steve Stenstrom ever were
* Weakness: Whatever head coach Mike Singletary is thinking at any given moment
* Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone
* Biggest Question: If the 49ers are willing to let Glen Coffee go to follow Christ, what's to stop the entire team from following suit?

St. Louis Rams

* Strength: Going into 2010, the Rams are almost perfectly positioned to receive another high draft pick in 2011
* Weakness: Battle for the quarterback position seems to be heating up, as neither starter A.J. Feely nor first overall draft pick Sam Bradford wants to be blamed for the upcoming 2-14 season
* Intangibles: Scuttlebutt around the league says the Rams have a pretty good track record when it comes to playing decent music on the locker-room boom box
* Biggest Question: What sick f**k thought it would be a good idea for the Rams to face the defending Super Bowl champion Saints on the road Dec. 12?

Arizona Cardinals

* Strength: Superstar Larry Fitzgerald runs crisp routes, gets good separation, and watches helplessly as poorly thrown passes wobble to the turf
* Weakness: Kurt Warner is getting slower and less accurate because he has retired and is never, ever coming back
* Player To Watch: None, although team is well-stocked with players to turn away from while cringing because you can't bear to watch
* Intangibles: Matt Leinart, who may be the least tangible quarterback in the NFL

Wtf is this garbage

Grow a sense of humor homey.

I've got a sense of humor...apparently we don't have enough pointless threads

If you think a thread is pointless, ignore it. By making multiple posts, you're continuing the existence of a thread you think is pointless. What's the point in that?

Yeah I hate this thread

Me too.

wish this thread would sink to obscurity already.

people should stop posting in it.

WTFITS?

I hate it too much to let it sink to obscurity.

The Seattle intangibles part was gold hahah

i lulz'd...pretty funny stuff

Boo hoo, back to the top!

LMFAO @ this thread for the funny Onion junk and the people who take this thread way too seriously but can't help but voice their displeasure.

thats funny stuff

I love the onion.

Originally posted by fister30:
I love the onion.

Anyone busting on this thread is insane. These "reviews" are hilarious.

The Raiders one is classic:

Oakland Raiders

•Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air

[b]•Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster f**king sucks[/b]

•Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games

•Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?

[ Edited by TexasNiner on Sep 10, 2010 at 08:07:15 ]